Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

when mom throws a party…

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

😲 WTF? 😆

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

Not messing around

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore