@bencoffeehall: If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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@bigmacher: #IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.
@NYC_Blonde: A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
@Tmoney68: Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said "We do our business in your mouth" and I haven't stopped laughing.