If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
peak technology
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above