If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink