If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
WHO DID THIS?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.