if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’m aging like a fine banana
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues