if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I know a bad idea when I see one.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?