if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
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A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Worlds greatest photobomb
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
logging onto twitter…
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.