If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
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Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro