If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
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I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
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Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Well, this is awkward
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.