Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Does beer think about me too?

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls