If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
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Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
why no one uses midhusbands
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”