If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
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Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
There’s always that one guy
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Did I do this right
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Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.