If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
@funTweeters
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
#Caturday
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe