If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
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I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Ken is short for chicken
This could be us but you eatin’
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please