If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
You Might Also Like
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.