If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
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pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day