If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
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Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
unbelievably distressed by this ad
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”