If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
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When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP