If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
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Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
This kinda thing happens to me often
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My mom texting me from an anime convention
