Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

philosophical skeletons be like

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

How do horror writers compete with current events?

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.