Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Safety first

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.