If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.