If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
You Might Also Like
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
asking santa clause for nudes
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
lmfao
Bootstraps
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I didn’t realize that was an option
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.