If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Baller is short for ballerina
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”