If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
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ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”