If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
presenting your incognito window wrapped
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
How your email finds me
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.