Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.