If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
The most accurate map ever devised.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009