@FlyoverJoel

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

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@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@ericsshadow

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

@FU_TangClan

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

@NightValeRadio

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

@SirEviscerate

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

@jeremiahtolbert

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.