If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.