If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.