If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Care for your back
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
