If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
🙋♀️
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.