Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

this came to me in a vision

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

My brain is a bad influence on me

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.