If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
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People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Camping tip: No.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”