If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
not for long
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.