Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks