@SubsistingPasse

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

@Frankie_Val

Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.

@iLiveSilent

In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.

@Cpin42

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

@ThugRaccoons

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

@mack44_d

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

@fusedude

I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.

@politicalmath

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

@envydatropic

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created