@SubsistingPasse
@81I2
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence
chicks dig when you visit them in jail
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@81I2
@breatheandlove
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
@Alex_N_Chains
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
@murrman5
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
@SteveKoehler22
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
@KyleSmells
[getting a haircuit]
barber: how’s this?
me, horrified and disgusted: perfect 🙂
@gobmentcheese
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
@pauleggleston
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
@robfee
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
@YoungNobler
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.