If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
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Sing it!
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.