@SubsistingPasse
@TheAndrewNadeau
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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@TheAndrewNadeau
@Frankie_Val
Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.
@iLiveSilent
In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.
@Cpin42
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
@ThugRaccoons
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
@mack44_d
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
@ThisOneSayz
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
@fusedude
I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.
@politicalmath
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
@envydatropic
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created