@SubsistingPasse

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

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@81I2

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail

@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

@murrman5

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

@SteveKoehler22

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

@KyleSmells

[getting a haircuit]

barber: how’s this?

me, horrified and disgusted: perfect 🙂

@gobmentcheese

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

@pauleggleston

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

@robfee

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

@YoungNobler

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.