If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
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We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
lmfao come on
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Me trying to “trust the process”
me when I see my crush
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats