Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

5 ways to appear taller

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.