If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I think we should hear other voices.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.