Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo