If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

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In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position


HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i say “ruh roh” in a scooby doo voice when i mess up

HER: yes

ME: (under breath) ruh roh


Interviewer: Please take off your sunglasses..

Me: Nah, I’m afraid you’ll see how high I am


Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.


I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.


*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*


Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?


I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.


Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.