If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
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Ape together strong
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
When I said I liked it rough.
Stop sending me this shit.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Deer are just ballerina dogs
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky