If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.