If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
The internet is magic sometimes.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about