Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die