If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
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*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head