If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
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[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
that colleague who touches your screen
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My biological clock is wheezing.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.