If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Ironic
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok