If poetry is dead, then explain this:
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Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
When you’re Kinky but poor
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?