If poetry is dead, then explain this:
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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
time for some seasonal decor
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!