Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

they split up moments later

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.