If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
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Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
are there any atheist mantises?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..