If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.