Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

Hang in there buddy

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Sing it!

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me: