If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
can I use a minion as a tampon
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Somebody’s lying.
When I can’t barge, I careen.