If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
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The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.