Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.