Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

whatcha thinkin bout

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

🐿️

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

😂

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do