If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
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Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy