If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
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I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Brother?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis