If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
You Might Also Like
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
barbara was highly relatable
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.