if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
incredible text to wake up to
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…