if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
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[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
6. me as a lawyer
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Gods work.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Best spot.. 😅
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
My neck my back my allergy attack
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.