If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
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Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
when she block me on everything
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
