Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

I was just discussing this with my cat

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.