If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
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Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
This is a true ally.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
How do I get a job writing these texts
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media