If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
You Might Also Like
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Put a ring on it
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to