If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
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[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol