If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.