If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.